Farewell Banquette – Manchester, NH, 21 Jul 2014

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Enjoying Tourist Mode



America By Bike staff knew that once we got to the Atlantic Ocean there is no more opportunity to have us all in a group. Between cleaning activities, packing, and those leaving that afternoon with loved ones – their experience dictated that we gather on the eve to the dipping for our last dinner together. Each rider was given a chance to say something or do something special. One sang (and that Dutchman could sing). Another invited an American (me) to play “Catch the Chicken”, a very entertaining Dutch game. And yes… the chicken won. For my contribution I decided to write down many of the things I had learned since first throwing my leg over the bicycle seat in San Francisco. Now of course, some of these gems are ‘you had to be there to understand’ humor. For those items I will put an explanation in parenthesis.

55 things I learned on my way to New Hampshire

1. I had over 20 coaches helping me out, all very cleverly disguised as other cyclists.

2. Clip out before dismounting. (Cyclists’ shoes are attached to the pedals to gain maximum transfer of energy. If you don’t snap your foot out of the pedal clips when stopping your first point of contact with the ground will not be your feet. I tore up a jacket by skidding on the pavement with my shoulder.)

3. Always use hand signals when coming to a SAG stop. (SAG stops are where we refuel and replenish our water. It is also where AbB staff are watching to make sure we use hand signals. We are praised when we use them. Remedial safety instructions are repeated to us when we don’t.)

4. Once Eddie signs in at the hotel, the rest of us are on our own to deal with lightning, hail, and tornados. (Eddie is the Catholic Priest that rode with us. His prayers for good weather were very effective, but protection seemed to expire the moment he checked into the destination hotel.)

5. This is not a race, it is a challenge. Nevertheless, getting to the hotel before the luggage arrives is SWEET! (It happened to me twice!)

6. There isn’t a lot of statistical variation to Michelle’s response to the question “Can I start early?” Actually, there was no variation. The answer is NO. (Michelle was the AbB Ride Leader in charge of everything. By the way, the same variation occurs when riders ask the staff if they could open the trailer for loading or get a pump out 8 seconds before the big hand is on the nine and little hand is on the six.)

7. Be careful where you sit down. (There are many reasons for this one, but our clothes were often saturated with personal lubricants and left greasy spots where we sat.)

8. Kickstands are for rookies. By the way, bikes don’t need help falling over. That is why we are told to lay them on the ground. (Another way rookies self-identify is by blaming the closest person or thing to it if their bike falls down from being perched against a post or wall. This of course is silly, because the fault lies with the person who thought bikes can’t fall over by themselves and didn’t lay down their bike.)

9. Every spoke on your wheel is important. You are not riding on one spoke and just happen to have 23 other spare spokes along for the ride. (A broke spoke will immediately warp the wheel and cause your brakes to stop you immediately. Undesired laws of physics kick in when abrupt stops on a bicycle occur, all bad for the cyclist.)

10. Signing in will be done. The only variation in outcomes is in the level of pain suffered by the cyclists. (Refer to Rule 6. The more trouble it takes for staff to track you down to sign, the more encouragement a cyclist receives to never forget again. To remind AbB staff that you are now 74 years old and no longer interested in listening to them does lead to entertaining negotiations.)

11. Extra Large (XL) in Holland is in kilos, and not many of them. (Dutch XL sizes equate somewhere between small and medium sizes in America.)

12. It is okay to stop and take a picture. It is better to let the riders behind you know you are stopping. (Tourists are encouraged to ride alone to avoid accidents.)

13. Touching another bike's rear tire with your front tire while riding produces immediate results, both physically and verbally, and all bad. (If you don’t have the skill and reflexes required to ride in a group, stay away from the group.)

14.Don’t ride with disciplined riders if you aren’t disciplined. Wait until you are invited to join them. (Refer to rule 13. When riding fast behind somebody, if they hit a hole, you own the hole too.)

15. Priests come with the same vocabulary as mere mortals. They don’t like to be overheard and later quoted when they use specialized vocabulary. (It is nice to know they are just as prone to verbalize our thoughts when the hills never stop coming.)

16. Don’t use your brakes when going around corners. (Do it once and you will know why.)

17. Don’t stand up on your pedals when climbing in gravel. (Refer to rule 2 before you spin out.)

18. When passing Texans, say “On your left” rather than “Weeeeee!!!!!” That is how Oklahomans self-identify, and Texans don’t generally hold a high opinion of that Texan ‘want-to-be’ clan of misfit goat-ropers.)

19. Rookies self-identify themselves by the chain ring grease on their right leg. Some even mix the grease with scars and bleeding. (AbB staff are still wondering how I consistently get grease on both my right and left leg.)

20. Aerobars and me will never mix. I can’t even steer my bike well with both hands on the grips. (Aerobars are devices attached to the center of the bike to allow the rider to become more aerodynamic in riding, but also adds instability because steering is done with the elbows.)

21. Bikes need lubrication. Bike riders need even more. (See rule #7).

22. Shady roads are nice, but this is where roads tend to be in the worst shape. Beware of temporary relief from the sun. (Unlike skiing where these is ‘always a line to the lift’, some of these rough patches of roads have no way through them safely.)

23. Scenery is nice, but people like to see people in their pictures. Selfies are okay if you are the last guy to cross the state line. (I got good at these.)

24. Don’t write your blog for yourself, write it for others. Give others a good reason to return to it. Let your readers feel like they are along for a ride of discovery with you. (The obvious corollary is that you need to discover something new every day. I stole this one from a book on friendship.)

25. True gentlemen will let the ladies come in first once in a while (and not make it look too obvious. When this rule was explained to me I was told that men don’t beat women to the finish line, it is just that women are naturally slow and men are only riding the way men ride. This explanation will need some more polishing before publication.)

26. Spokes can cry. (When asked why I was told it was all about the belly fat to wheel width ratio and the tire is what the tire is. The only adjustable variable in that equation is losing personal tonnage.)

27. Breathe, and preferably through your nose when blazing down hills. (Swallowing live bugs does not contribute to retaining focus on the road.)

28. Curling up in a tuck position with your knees hugging the center bar is not the universal distress signal for having to go pee. It is for maximum stability as you are riding down a hill with less than a square inch of surface area touching pavement by which to brake and maneuver.

29. Four men under a bridge while waiting out a rain storm attracts cars to drive by. (The only safe place to take a leak is at a gas station or convenience store.)

30. Don’t get lost wearing purple. (You will have to ask me for the explanation.)

31. We really do look funny wearing tights. (Don’t walk into a redneck bar expecting to be served.)

32. Trains can sneak up on you. (And blast their horns to launch you into outer space.)

33. Riding on interstates is a lonely proposition. (They are so noisy you can’t hear yourself talk or anybody else for that matter. Hand signals is the key to survival.)

34. Bugs hurt when they hit you at 40 miles per hour. (Bees are particularly woeful. I had one fly into my helmet while in a tuck once. I surprised myself how fast I stopped and threw off my head gear.)

35. Real cyclists pedal downhill. (Tourists consider downhill stretches as opportunities to take pictures and to smell the roses.)

36. Don’t ride over debris (especially blown tires) and cut grass. (Mad hornets that were peacefully nesting in the ground are just waiting to show you their anger over the mower that just turned their world upside down.)

37. Don’t let yourself get sunburnt on the back of your knees. (Knees are important to riders.)

38. Your heart rate will tell you more about your percent grade of climb than your eyes.(In the mountains it is easy to lose one’s sense of horizon and what is level.)

39. Stop before you redline. (Recovery from hitting maximum heart rate is five times longer than recovery from hitting 90% maximum, and every minute you rest you are burning sunshine.)

40. Learn to trust your reflexes. (Screaming downhill is more a lower brain (reflex) activity than upper brain (cognitive) activity. If you start to think about it, you already own it. Things happen too fast on a bike to think about evaluating alternatives on the best way down the mountain.)

41. Learn how others overcame their fears by listening.

42. Be teachable.

43. Your mind will quit before your body does.

44. Al Emma is only 39 years old. He looks 74 because of all the miles he has covered. (Al really is 74 and has ran marathons in all 50 states and Canadian provinces, and also biked 100 mile plus centuries in all states and provinces too.)

45. Never pass up a chance to thank a cop, fireman, or trucker. (They deserve our thanks.)

46. Don’t ask the mechanic to clean your bike’s drive train. (Know the staff’s pet peeves and avoid them.)

47. It helps if you pedal. (There are logical reasons why I don’t keep up with the pack.)

48. Doing laundry resembles a military maneuver. (Bill, my roommate, and I had this down to a science.)

49. When in doubt, don’t go down that hill. (If you go the wrong way, you have to ride back up to return to the right road.)

50. The finish line is the finish line. (Getting distracted before arrival is just like stopping to take pictures along the way.)

51. A clean bike is a happy bike, but hates power washing. (If you want a quick expensive trip to the bike shop then just jet spray the bearing on your wheels. Bikes love TLC. Mechanics like to work on bikes, not dirt covered bikes.)

52. Bikes do not ride themselves. (You really do have to pedal them.)

53. You can do ballet on a bike. (Watching experienced riders is pure poetry in motion.)

54. There is a big difference between interrogation and interviewing. (If you want people to talk to you, ask them about their passions.)

55. Know why you are on the saddle. (And don’t forget it.)